Which sign do you believe?

Taco El Jaliscience, or Taco El Jalscience, depending on which of their signs you believe to be correct, is a well-yelped taco joint on a lonely corner in Humboldt Park. Its al pastor taco was named the best in Chicago by CLTV and WGN. I’m not sure what year. The sign is very vague. So, I rounded up a bad-ass posse and headed down to the Puerto Rican/hipster neighborhood.

Julia (my princess) and I picked up David (a graphic designing, song writing, thunderous singing, album designing, penny pinching, athletic training, movie watching, web nerd) and Summer and Dawn (sisters who are ex-Venus Swimwear models from Florida).

Not only is the building isolated on a corner, but the inside is rather lonely as well. Counting the five people we had, there were five total patrons in the place while we were there. How could a place with such accolades from CLTV and WGN be so lonely? Maybe we showed up at the wrong time.

Or maybe it’s that the tacos aren’t as good as advertised. While they are pretty decent, they shouldn’t be included on anyone’s top list of anything. The al pastor is definitely the best taco there, but not the best al pastor in the city. It has nice seasoning and carmelization from the spit, but is a little on the dry side. The pineapple and onion aren’t as pronounced as they are on other al pastor tacos either.

The carne asada taco is very average. I didn’t taste much seasoning and it too is a little dry. The chicharron is overdone and dry as well. The chorizo tastes like it comes from one of those grocery store greasy chorizo tube thingys. Uh.

This fish on the pescado taco is pretty good. It is seasoned well and cooked well. The problem is that there isn’t anything else on the taco. No sauce. No cabbage. No relish. Just the fish.

This place is like when one of your friends tells you they listen to this new awesome band that will melt your face off. This band will destroy your perception of what music even is. They will….yadi-yadi-ya. Then, you go see the band and they are pretty decent at best. They can’t live up to the hype. While El Jaliscience may be decent on its own, my expectations were too high and it disappointed.

They aight.

Such is life on the taco tour.

P.S. – the gucamole is pretty darned good….

• Location:  2859 W. Chicago Ave., Chicago, IL (Humboldt Park)
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia, David, Summer, Dawn
• Tacos sampled:   carne asada, al pastor, chorizo, chicharron and pescado (also have pollo, molida, chorizo con huevos, vegetariano, tripa, cecina, lengua, lomo encebollado and chile relleno)
• Toppings:   onions and cilantro, lime, jalapeno
• Salsa:  salsa verde and salsa roja
  
• Extras:  chips
• Tortillas:  corn
• Atmosphere:  byob, parking, lonely corner, sublime (the band) sun, religious candles, spelling confusion, “OVER-RATED – DUH, DUH, DUH,-DUH,-DUH” (you know, like the high school basketball chant)
  
• Price:  $2.36-$2.75/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING:  7.0
  

If you’ve read this blog before, you may know that my girlfriend does a lot of running. Not just normal people running, but toenail ripping, nipple burning marathon running. She travels around to different cities and runs farther than anyone should ever want to. I don’t know why anybody would torture themselves with that. I’m not sure what would be worse, running a marathon, or dating me….

What this hobby means to me, is generally a nice little vacation. It’s great. We recently went to Washington D.C. for the Nike Women’s Half Marathon. Before flying out, I read about one of the highest rated Mexican restaurants in the country, Oyamel. So, we decided to have our after-half-marathon celebratory meal there. Boy, did I deserve it?

Oyamel is a pretty fancy-pants spot near the Capitol building. It’s famous for its array of tequila, ceviches, and……tacos! I was told it was pretty reasonable, but after paying for the $14 guacamole, I disagree.

Oyamel’s list of tacos is impressive, on the menu. They are stuffed with exotic, high-end ingredients perfect for a foody any day.  Each taco has its own toppings, accessories, bells ‘n’ whistles, etc. They look fabulous…on the menu. I tried four of their precious little tacos.

The pancita de puerco is their version of al pastor. It is grilled pork belly with tomatoes, guajillo chiles, pineapple, onions and cilantro. Sounds great, right? It’s not too bad, but the pork belly is dry. Plus, they should use a hotter chile. Duh.

The poblana con puerco is a carnitas and chorizo mix. It is topped with lettuce and avacado. So, the savory carnitas meets the salty, spicy chorizo. Sounds great, right? Well, it doesn’t work. It’s also a little dry and the chorizo doesn’t stand out. It’s hardly noticeable.

The pescado is my favorite taco here. It’s a nice, thick seared hunk of mahi-mahi that is cooked perfectly. That piece of meat is easily the best thing I had at the menu. It has a Mexican salsa and a cilantro pesto to add moisture, spice and depth. I’d add some crunch to the taco with some cabbage or something, but I understand their desire to feature the fish.

That brings us to the chapulines. Chapulines are a Oaxacan favorite….grasshoppers. At Oyamel, the chapulines taco is stuffed with

Insert genital joke here: ______.

grasshoppers cooked in tequila and smothered in an adobo sauce. Supposedly, there are shallots and guacamole in there, but I didn’t taste any. All I tasted was the grasshoppers. I barely even noticed the adobo sauce. Do you know how hard that is to do? So, how are these grasshopper? Well, it isn’t so much of a taste thing. It’s more of a texture thing.

So, take a handful of sunflower seeds. A big handful. Put them all in your mouth and chew them until you suck all of the salt and oil out of the mixture. Then, take that wad out of your mouth and let it dry in the sun for a couple hours. Finally, add a little hot sauce and throw it in a tortilla…..THAT”S what this taco tastes like. The whole thing is legs, bones and thoraxes. There’s nothing else.

I think I figured out why this hasn’t gotten too far outside of Oaxaca….

Overall, this place ain’t totally bad, but given the price and the hoopla, it doesn’t rate very well on the taco tour:

• Location:  401 7th St. NW,  Washington, DC (Judiciary Square)
  
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia
• Tacos sampled:  pancita de puerco, poblana con puerca, pescado, and chapulines (also have lengua, pollo, chilorio de res, hongos, carnitas, and conchinita)
  
• Toppings:  various
  
• Salsa:  salsa roja
  
• Extras:  chips
  
• Tortillas:  corn
  
• Atmosphere:  swanky, touristy, white, gastro-ish, Capitol Hilly
  
• Price:  $3.50-$5.00/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING:  6.5
  

Julia also writes a blog. Her’s is about something actually good for you; running. She’s really cute and funny. Check her out here.

Shady.

When I was in first grade, I made a decision that would impact my life forever. I sat next to this kid named Ryan at school. Ryan and I became the best of friends (and still are 29 years later). We did all the things young boys should do together: make bombs, drive cars through corn fields, smell each others’ fingers….you know learning life’s lessons.

Well fast-forward some years, and we’re both a lot like we were back then, minus a few thousand hair follicles. Oh, and the fact that Ryan has become some music-industry big shot who is an agent for several high profile artists, and who has a brand of whiskey coming out soon called Cold Cock. He lives in Hollywood, drives fancy cars, has a pool and rubs elbows with people that are “people”. You know, one of those guys with nothing going for him.

I, on the other hand, live the dream teaching 7th grade Language Arts and writing a blog here in Chicago. So every once in a while, I invite myself to an event and Ryan obliges. This year, I flew out to California for the Coachella Music Festival (sorry hipsters, but it’s fun). Ryan got us VIP passes, rented out a house with two hot tubs, a pool and two live tortoises (although they were nowhere to be found). So, as we sat at the house, drinks flowing, sun blazing, music pumpin’ and half of the Swedish Bikini Team in the pool (it looked like a really terrible, white rap video), what did I decide to do? That’s right, head out and find a local taco joint!

I ran into Taqueria Guerrero. It’s small and in the middle of nowhere, pretty much like everything in the entire Coachella Valley. Side note: if you are ever in the Southwest United States and a Mexican farmer tries to sell you strawberries…buy them. They are delicious. It’s happened to me twice, so it’s gotta be 100% true.

Ok, so the food.

First, this place has a salsa bar, which is awesome. I’ve seen a couple places now with one, and it’s kinda like the choosing the sauces at Buffalo Wild Wings (again, sorry hipsters). I hope I see more (salsa bars, not hipsters) in the future.

I tried three tacos. The first one I tried was the al pastor. It is spicy and very juicy. They don’t add too much pineapple, but enough to make it balance out the heat and add some acidity. This is the best al pastor I’ve had in a while. I thought this place was on it’s way to a great rating, but the carne asada and the lengua are both kind of bland. They are good tacos, but nothing special. I wish they had more bite and tenderness, like the pastor. I also wish they had more taco choices (that leaves me with only one more wish).

The Descendents and Wu-Tang Clan were both awesome. Thanks for asking.

Overall, this place is fine, and it’s the only place within a few miles that serves tacos other than Taco Bell and Del Taco.

Those reviews will have to wait for next year…

Here are the particks:

• Location:  81576 US Hwy. 111, Indio, CA (Coachella Valley)
  
• Tourists:  Josh
• Tacos sampled:  carne asada, al pastor, and lengua (also have barbacoa, carnitas and buche)
  
• Toppings:  onions and cilantro, lemons
  
• Salsa:  salsa verde, salsa roja mile, pico de gallo, salsa roja caliente, avacado salsa (not gwock, habanero salsa
  
• Extras:  pickled veggies
  
• Tortillas:  corn
  
• Atmosphere:  lonely, deserted, easy going, empty, uncrowded
  
• Price: $1.49/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING: 7.5
  

I did not challenge Tony to a taco-eating contest…

For the three of you that read this blog, you probably think I’m a professionally trained, well-rounded, world-renowned writer. I apologize that my brilliance has misled you.

Actually, I’m a school teacher. As a teacher, my lunch is a little different than most people’s. I have 12 minutes to send 20 kids out of my room, get 20 in my room, answer 67 questions, tell 8 kids to get off the floor, break up 2 arguments about super important issues, take the kids to get their lunch, bring them back and supervise their hormone-driven bodies while they “eat”. Of course, “eating” means arguing some more, wrestling, flirting by hitting a member of the opposite sex in the back of the head, throwing projectiles and trying to break into my coveted candy stash.

So, when a group of teachers (four strapping lads) actually have a day to eat lunch however they please, where do they go? Why, Mario’s Tacos in Blue Island, of course. Blue Island is a small, southside suburb, with 47% of its inhabitants being Hispanic. There are several Mexican places to choose from.

Why am I rambling about everything but the tacos? Because they’re not very good. Their choices are very limited. The meat is bland and all of the tacos are runny. You know what they say…runny tacos equals runny elimination. Some days, my fingernails have more taste (ewwwww). I think that about sums it up….

I gotta believe there are some good tacos places in Blue Island, though. We clearly chose the wrong one…

MMMM….the runs…

Here are the disgusting details:

• Location:  13325 Olde Western Ave  Blue Island, IL (Southside Suburb)
  
• Tourists:  Josh, Brian, Fred, Tony
• Tacos sampled:  beef, chicken, beef and bean (also have guacamole and bean)
  
• Toppings:  lettuce, tomato, cheese
  
• Salsa:  salsa roja
  
• Extras:  chips
  
• Tortillas:  corn (flour available)
  
• Atmosphere:  runny, quiet, empty, non-suburban-y, authentically unauthentic
  
• Price: $2.00/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING:  4.5
  

Here’s what Julia and Julio look like in front of a strip mall.

When you’re out in the suburbs, it’s pretty tough to find an authentic Latin taco joint. So, on a recent trip west of Chicago, I threw in the towel and ate at a Qdoba. To the taco enthusiast, this may seem lame, and it is. But, it is a “Mexican” restaurant serving tacos, so it qualifies itself as a stop on the taco tour.

Qdoba is one of those Fresh Mex restaurants. With over 600 locations, chances are there’s one located near you. Other fast casual dining competition includes Chipotle, Panchero’s (the best in this group), Baja Fresh and Moe’s Southwestern Grill. I’m not a big fan of the Mexican chain food cooked by White people, but I had to give it a try.

I tried the steak, chicken and pulled pork tacos. The first nice thing is the tortilla. They press it right in front of you when you order. Second, you get to pick what kind of toppings to put on your taco. They have a handful of salsas and ingredients from which to choose. But, I don’t like the fact that the food is not made-to-order. They cook all of their meat ahead of time and you just get a scoup from the chafing dish, a la high school lunch.

The tacos are aiight. The steak tastes like it’s on a salad buffet. The carnitas, or as they call it, pork, is a little stringy. I think they pulled their pork a little too much. The chicken is a little dry and bland. The meat is high quality, but you can’t taste any grill flavor or seasoning. They rely too much on their toppings and cafeteria quickness and need to focus more on the meat (right, dudes?).

In a hurry, or in the unfortunate event of me being in a terrible suburb, I would try them again. I’d rather stay in a city, though, and have the authentic thing.

MMMM, suburbs.

Honestly, this place is about as bland as this post…..

Here’s what I got:

• Location:  7343 W. Lake St., River Forest, IL (Western Chicago Suburb)
  
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia, Julio
• Tacos sampled:  steak, chicken, pulled pork (also have pulled beef and ground beef)
  
• Toppings:  various
  
• Salsa:  pico de gallo, roasted chile corn, salsa verde, salsa roja, habanero, mango, hot sauce
  
• Extras:  none
  
• Tortillas:  soft flour or crunchy corn
  
• Atmosphere:  chain, suburbs, gringo-y, unauthentic, suburbs
  
• Price:  $2.50/taco or $5.99-$6.49/3 tacos (no mix and match)
  
• OVERALL RATING:  7.0
  

Two hot ladies walked in just before my dad and I….

I went home to the Quad Cities to visit my family for the weekend, which is a couple hours west of Chicago. When I arrived home, my dad told me there was only one thing that needed to get done that weekend. Mow the grass? Wax the car? Clean out the garage? Nope. His request was that we had to make a stop on the taco tour.

Most people probably wouldn’t think about authentic Mexican food when you mention the Quad Cities. My memories are of the Mississippi River, John Deere, some red necks, and Geneseo Football.  But, the Quad Cities does have a decent-sized Latino population. Although many (White) people would be quick to mention Rudy’s Tacos when you ask about Mexican food, I know there are some authentic, smaller gems in the sea of honky tonk tacos.

We went to La Primavera, which is a large, spacious restaurant.  There is also a small grocery store and taqueria down the street with the same owners and name. La Primavera has an older, comfortable feel to it. It didn’t take long for me to notice two things. One: they have a salsa bar with 8 salsas. It’s like the BW3’s of tacos, except nothing like BW3’s. Second: they have an extensive list of tacos, totaling 20 in all.

Ok, so now on to the tacos….

To be honest, they are good, but probably a little too safe for my liking. The carne asada is grilled nicely, but lacks some char flavor and seasoning. The chorizo is nicely seasoned, but could use a little more bite and is a bit dry. The adobada taco is flavorful and juicy, but could also use a little bit of heat. My favorite was the camaron taco, which features grilled shrimp. It’s nice and juicy, just like daddy likes.

I’ll definitely be trying more places in the Quad Cities, but this was a good start.

Oh, try the queso fundito. It’s runny, which looks weird, but it’s super tasty.

Ok, I’m done blabbing:

• Location:  601 15th St., Moline, IL (Quad Cities)
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia, Dave, Linda
• Tacos sampled:  carne asada, adobada, chorizo, camaron (also have milanesa, molida, lengua, tripa, queso anejo, queso panela, aguacate, veget salteados, adobada de soya, pierna, chicharron, carnitas, pollo chipotle, pollo con veget, pollo asado and filete)
  
• Toppings:  onions and cilantro, lime
  
• Salsa:  roja mild, roja medium, roja hot, pico de gallo with cabbage, salsa verde, salsa cacera, avacado con habanero and salsa habanero
  
• Extras:  chips, pickled veggies
  
• Tortillas:  corn
  
• Atmosphere:  authentic, Mexican ballroom, empty, spacious, salsa-y
  
• Price:   $2.00/taco ($2.60 for camaron and filete)
  
• OVERALL RATING:   7.0
  

Las Cazuelas/Casuelas

Ok, so tacos for breakfast after the marathon. Tacos for lunch. What they hay, let’s go for round 3. This time we went to Las Cazuelas (or Las Casuelas, depending on which sign you believe to be correct), a Salvadorian restaurant and pupuseria in Santa Ana. What you should always do is have your girl order a pupusa. Then, eat her pupusa.

You know how Mexican food can sometimes be like having beer goggles? The more you drink, the better a taco or burrito can taste. Then, someday you go back to that place in the afternoon and realize how terrible it is. Well, even with some goggles, the tacos here didn’t stand out to me as anything special.

I tried four tacos – carne asade, chicharron, birria and al pastor. The carne asada is pretty bland. The chicharron is pretty decent, but they over fry the skin. The birria is a little dry. The goat, along with the al pastor neee a little more bang out of their sauce. None of the tacos are bad, but they all have that ‘eh’ kinda feel.

On a sidenote, my girlfriend’s pupusa was great...

Here are the uninspiring details:

• Location:  312 N. Bush St., Santa Ana, CA (Orange County)
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia, Josh, Chanel
• Tacos sampled:  carne asada, chicharron, birria, al pastor (also have pollo, carnita, chorizo, lengua)
  
• Toppings:  onions and cilantro, limes
  
• Salsa:   salsa roja
  
• Extras:  chips
  
• Tortillas:  corn
  
• Atmosphere:  authentic, Salvadorian, pupuseria, friendly, stale
  
• Price:  $1.60/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING: 6.5
  

They don’t have marlin, but they do have oysters.

So, on to meal #2 the day of the marathon. Why not head over to Las Brisas #2 for some tacos? Seems fitting. Along the way, Julia and I picked up a hunky tattoo artist and a sassy little hair dresser to join us. They totally make us look cool.

Lesson number one of Las Brisas: either speak Spanish or be prepared for your order to be a little messed up. Nothing crazy happened and they were very friendly, but just be aware.

Let’s just call a spade a spade. I tried all of the tacos on the menu and none of them are anything spectacular. The fish tacos are of the deep fried variety, in terms of the tortilla, but lack any punch. The carne asada, carnitas, and shredded beef are all good, but on the bland side. I like the chicken the best, but again, nuttin’ cray.

Of course, there were avacados or guacamole on all of the tacos – soooo California. On a side note, Josh and Chanel (the hot package mentioned earlier) came out to visit us in Chicago about a week after this stop on the tour. They brought their own avacados with them – soooo California.

Needless to say, this place is ok. I’d stop there for a taco again sometime, but I’m not flying out to Orange County to eat here. I’m

This is sorta what we ordered…

flying out to Orange County so I can look cool. Duh.

Here’re the deets:

• Location:  409 N. Broadway St., Santa Ana, CA (Orange County)
  
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia, Josh, Chanel
• Tacos sampled:  carne asada, pollo, shredded beef, carnitas, pescado (“Taco Las Brisas”)
  
• Toppings:  onions and cilantro, guacamole, limes, radishes (tomatoes on the pescado)
  
• Salsa:  salsa roja and salsa verde
  
• Extras:  chips and pickled veggies
  
• Tortillas:  flour
  
• Atmosphere:  authentic, quiet, stale, friendly, unilingual
  
• Price:  $1.50/taco ($1.75 for the pescado)
  
• OVERALL RATING:  6.5
  

I think I’m going to use the word pinches a lot now.

Where do you take your diva immediately after she finishes running 26.2 miles? For tacos, of course!

Going to Pinches was kind of an accident. Julia had just gotten done with the L.A. Marathon and I had followed her all over the course (the only spot I missed her was when she ran directly in front of our hotel). The marathon ended at Santa Monica pier and there were tens of thousands of people down there. I worked up quite a hunger taking taxis for 26.2 miles and needed to eat quickly.

We walked over to the food court area of the pedestrian mall (the yuppies call it Santa Monica Place, I guess). What did we see? Pinches Tacos. I always look up the meaning of the places I go because I’m a gringo and don’t know anything. So, I’ve checked several sources, and Pinches Tacos literally translates to… “Fucking Tacos.”

Even though this place was in a mall, at a food court, is a multiple-location (4) restaurant, and is surrounded by wall-to-wall white people, I decided I was going to give it a fair evaluation. I ordered a carne asada, a camaron and an adobado taco, along with a cold beer (a total plus for a mall).

The food looks nice coming out and they make their own tortillas, so I was excited. The taste, however, doesn’t follow suit. I don’t think any of the tacos they have are bad, but there isn’t anything exciting, flavor-wise, going on. I think the seasoning is a little bland and the adobado doesn’t seem to have much adobo. It is sweet and juicy, but the flavor doesn’t come through. The tortillas were a’ight, but nothing special. They also bread the shrimp for the camaron taco. I prefer grilled (who’s the diva, now?).

In a pinch (hehe), I would have these tacos again, but I don’t think I’ll ever seek it out again….Wait, I guess I really never did in the first place.

How about those fucking tacos?

• Location:  395 Santa Monica Pl., Santa Monica, CA
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia
• Tacos sampled:  carne asada, camaron, adobado (also have pollo mole, pollo a al parilla, lengua, al pastor, pescado, carnitas, nopal and vegetariano)
  
• Toppings:  onions and cilantro and lime (Veracruz slaw on the camaron and pescado)
• Salsa:  none
  
• Extras:  none
• Tortillas:  home-made corn
• Atmosphere:  mall, limousine liberals, food court, new, white
  
• Price:  $2.50-$2.95/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING: 6.5
  

See, Chicago, taco trucks are cool.

Where do you take your little princess the day before she runs the Los Angeles Marathon? To a taco truck, of course.

This is my first taco truck on the tour. They are not nearly as prevalent in Chicago as they are in Los Angeles. I’ve read a lot about the camaron taco at Mariscos Jalisco (including on one of my competitors blogs). So, we headed east of downtown LA to see how it tastes. We got lost a couple times trying to find it, but eventually found our spot.

The first thing I noticed was all the people hanging out on the street as if they had nothing to do (so California). There were a few tables inside a bare building, but it appeared the way to eat here was to just plop down on the ground. There’s also another, eerily similar truck, about 50 yards down the street.

The next thing I noticed, was they only have one taco. I generally try at least three different tacos, but could only try one here. They sell other mariscos (ceviches, pulpo, etc.), but would not put any other seafood in a taco for me. So, I bucked up my $1.75 and waited for my order.

The taco is fantastic. It’s a little different than a traditional taco. They deep-fry the tortilla with the shrimp inside. It comes out almost sealed shut. Then, they lay the taco on its side and pile on cabbage, salsa roja, and avacado (so California). It’s pretty

The one and only…

messy, a little greasy, but altogether very good. The taco itself is among the best I’ve ever had, but I can’t rate this a great taco spot based on one taco.

Maybe they should expand the menu? Here’s what I thought:

• Location:  3040 E. Olympic Blvd., Los Angeles, CA (Boyle Heights)
  
• Tourists:  Josh, Julia
• Tacos sampled:  camaron (that’s all, folks)
  
• Toppings:  cabbage, salsa roja and avacado
  
• Salsa:  hot sauce
  
• Extras:  none
  
• Tortillas:  corn, deep fried
  
• Atmosphere:  food truck, sparse neighborhood, people lounging on grass and sidewalk, relaxed
  
• Price:  $1.75/taco
  
• OVERALL RATING: 7.0